Penn Sounds No One Wants To Hear

As all Freshmen (and a few upperclassmen) know, this year has been ceremoniously crowned the YEAR OF SOUND. In keeping with this theme, we at UTB have decided to give you some information about a few sounds that probably weren't covered in orientation.

The Sound: Sirens The Reasons: Sirens at Penn have a few possible points of origin. It could be the police chasing down a criminal who will soon be featured in a Penn Alert text your parents will call you about. It could be cops deciding 2am is a good time to shut down your party. Alternatively, depending on how close they are, it could be an ambulance coming to MERT you. The Move: Run. Though in the third case you probably won't get very far.

The Sound: Moaning The Reasons: Perhaps your roommate is enjoying some fun a'la Kate Taylor, or he/she is in serious physical pain. The Moves: Either way, back slowly out of the room. If stuck, pretend to be asleep, it's better this way.

The Sound: Scurrying The Reasons: Whether it's a mouse in the dining hall, a squirrel in your ceiling, or a cockroach in your brightly colored storage bins, pests are a part of Penn life not mentioned in info sessions. The Moves: Shriek as loud as possible and climb onto the highest surface available. Adopt it a as pet (If You Give a Mouse Insomnia). Pray.

The Sound: A Pulsating Bass The Reasons: You live too close to an off-campus frat house. Or some kid in your hall needs house music to "study." The Moves: Purchase earplugs. File a noise complaint (editor's note: don't do this). Find the party--if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.