Yom Kippur: A Jew's And Non-Jew's Survival Guide

(None of the following have been proven successful, though they have been tested.)

Jews: Let the preparations begin! For those who choose to observe, Yom Kippur is a day of no eating, no drinking, no showering, and no sex. Nothing says repentance quite like starvation and body odor. The key to a successful holiday experience is to cram at least an extra 24 hours worth of the above into the 8 hours and 1 minute you have left.

Drink at least enough water to fill a child sized inflatable pool. If you live in fear on internal drowning, the silent killer of pre-fast Jews, switch to beer. In terms of food, the inflatable pool can again serve as a useful unit of measurement.

For your spiritual preparation, a surefire way to ensure a favorable judgment is to admit to your friends the ways your have wronged them. Telling your housemate all the times you called her a slut behind her back (Halloween, her grandmother’s funeral, yesterday) might seem hard, but it is sure to be rewarding.

Non-Jews: Choose to prepare anyway you wish. Your survival rests on knowing what to do on the day itself. Avoid Jews. They are a people whose usual method of celebration depends on food. Shabbat? Chicken soup and brisket. Passover? Matzah and brisket. Cutting off the tip of a baby boy’s penis? Bagels and lox…and sometimes brisket. Hungry Jews are best not tampered with. It's better this way.