Penn Study Explains Another Reason Why Being Single Sucks

Normally, when our professors talk about their research, we whip out our phones and get our crotch text on. This week, however, we learned about a study that was legit ABSURD.  According to a team of Penn and Rice sociologists, single and divorced people are twice as likely as married people to die from preventable accidents— things like fire, poisoning, or a vending machine falling on you.  Whith that in mind, it may be time to turn your booty call into your wifey, lest you desire impending doom.

On the bright side, the study also found that “highly educated adults” are less likely than poorly educated individuals to die accidental deaths, so we Quakers are sitting pretty on that front.  Thank GOD—we were preparing to walk around in a plastic bubble.