Top 10* Reasons Why Penn Hasn't Had a Rhodes Scholar in Four Years

The DP announced today that for the fourth year in a row, no Penn students won a Roads Rhoads Rhod3s Rhodes Scholarship.  Sorry, spelling has never been our strong suit.

UTB has been deeply concerned (read: DGAF) about why the Rhodies have been throwin’ shade on Penn for the past few years, so we decided to get to the bottom of this.  While the always credible DP commenters threw out ideas like insufficient mentoring from CURF and Penn students’ preference for Cambridge over Oxford, we’ve figured out the real reasons why Penn hasn’t had a Rhodes scholar in four years.

1)      They don’t have Wawa in England so f!*@ that.

2)      We’re too busy writing on Collegiate ACB.

3)      The closure of Won Oriental has affected our ability to function.  (RIP, sweet prince.  We STILL have not forgotten.)

4)      We’re too busy tryna’ get our Smokes Diplomas.  Sorry for partying, DWEEBS!!!!!

5)      Everyone already went abroad to England.  It was cloudy and cold, and everyone had bad teeth.  No.

6)      We’re too busy making really important apps and websites like the Greek Lady/Chipotle spinner.

7)      There is a new chicken nugget place on campus. And like.

8)      AirPennNet went down right before we could submit our application.

10)      We got jobs instead. Oops.

*Sorry, counting isn't our strong suit, either.