A Finals-Time Poem

’Twas the night before finals and all throughout Penn, There was nobody raging or peeing on Ben. All the Quakers were studious, cramming their brains, And feeling that 9th latte surge through their veins.

When all of a sudden, there came such a CRASH, That it knocked down the towers of coffee-cup trash. All the students were startled, and rose from their seats, And x-ed out their PDF downloads of Keats,

And x-ed out of Orgo, Accounting and Stats Or more realistically, cute pics of cats And crowded ‘round College Hall, eyes filled with wonder, To see what had caused such a marvelous thunder.

They could scant see the moon, with its wintry light But the blue glow of Call Boxes lit up the night, And by the light of those beacons of Penntrification, They could make out a figure that defied explanation.

She was somehow familiar, yet foreign and odd. Like that rando you got with on Study Abroad. Her hair was the color of tree bark or dirt, Dusty taupe was her blazer, floral paisley her shirt.

She wore not a smidgeon of lipstick or liner, And her shoes were some off-brand, mass market designer. She stood on the stone steps, surrounded by smoke. As the crowd became silent, she finally spoke.

“It is I, Amy Gutmann!” She said to the crowd. There were gasps. One betch fainted to hear it out loud. “It is I, Amy Gutmann, from 1992! And I’ve traveled through time with a message for you!

“I wasn’t always a blonde buxom bombshell in charge. I wasn’t always so famous and lifer-than-large. I was once kinda mousy, kinda frumpy and blah. If you read UTB, then you probably saw.

“But I rose to the top, like the bubbles in beer! It had nothing to do with my facial veneer! It’s my whip-smart intelligence, passion and drive, That has kept my flame burning and kept Penn alive.

“On this night before finals, please keep this in mind! It is not your appearance by which you’re defined. In the end, you’re at Penn ‘cause you’re all freaking smart. You’re all nerdy and geeky and wordy at heart.”

And the Penn students listened, and then looked around, At the whole student body amassed on that ground, And the Whartonites, Engineers, Nurses and Others All huddled together as sisters and brothers

“WE’LL KICK ASS ON THESE FINALS,” they shouted and cheered. “EVEN THOUGH WE’VE NOT SHOWERED AND SMELL REALLY WEIRD,

“EVEN THOUGH WE FEEL ILL AT THE THOUGHT OF EXAMS, EVEN THOUGH WE ARE HOMESICK AND ALL MISS OUR FAMS, WE’LL KICK ASS ON THESE FINALS, WE’LL SMASH AND DESTROY!” And they dashed to their textbooks with unfaltering joy.

So go forth, O Quakers! We’ve faith in your wit! We know you’ve all studied some impressive shit! We can all make it through, we’ve the skills and the right. Merry finals to all, and to all a good night.