The 28 Best Quotes From "FPC Hearing: Much Ado About Paper"

Oh wait, this wasn't a performing arts group's spring performance of UA Elections: I Promise I Didn't Pay For Facebook Likes? With all that's going on this week, you could've had us fooled. For three-plus hours we were glued to our computer screens watching the hilarious circus that was the "trial" for Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar, who were accused of withholding monetary records related to their campaign. So, follow along as we recap the most memorable, Emmy-worthy quotes of the latest episode of House of Cards hearing.

• "This is an orderly process governed by rules. Please respect that...This is not a spectacle for your entertainment." Oh yes, yes it is (and it was).
• "I'm filing a complaint against Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar for...I think...violation." Our sentiments exactly. 
• "Many celebrities, entertainers, [and] people across the world buy fake Facebook likes. This helps them build credibility for their pages and also spark attention for their pages." Wait. Aren't those two very different things?
• "You have people, some friends, some foes, that like this information...This is what most Facebook FACES do. They show the friends that you have in common before you scroll down and realize...it takes a lot of time." But let's just go through the process, minute and inconsequential detail by minute and inconsequential detail, anyway.
• "There's followers, probably some of whom have followers...Lovely My, who is that? Bad SP, who's this? A dog?" If my grandma can make a Facebook, then surely her dog can, too.
• [And with a raised voice, a plot twist takes the room by storm midway into the hearing.] "The Penn Politcal Review Facebook page also contains A GREAT NUMBER OF FAKE FACEBOOK LIKES!" GOOD. GOD.
• "As you scroll down, the likes WILL get fake." We know we said it takes a lot of time to scroll through all the likes, and that we also didn't have concrete evidence that the likes are, in fact, fake, but trust us--they are. 
• "If I'm not a credible source, Under the Button put their story up the day those likes went up. There's numerous information that shows that." TRUEST STATEMENT OF THE PROCEEDINGS (and excuse us for being self-referential).
• [On hypothetically creating 500 profiles just to like the page.] "That's very, very easy to do." But...but...didn't you just say that even scrolling through the profiles would take too much time? WE'RE JUST SO CONFUSED.
• "Point of clarification. Is there a motion I can pass so that question can have a point of clarification to it?" "Yeah, sure." What an eloquent way to ask a question regarding if questions may be posed more eloquently. 
• "Is it possible to get Facebook likes that are entirely cost-free?" Yeah, it's called having friends.
• [UTB post referenced for the second time.] "Two of them were my biological uncles." RAUCOUS APPLAUSE BREAKS OUT FROM THE CROWD as everyone realizes that Julie has some seriously cool uncles.
• "I don't need random people to like my page. I have FRIENDS." Shots fired.
• Next, it is revealed that the Facebook likes may have been procured (*gasp*) FOR FREE! If so, are they still shady? Are they less important? Where do they fall on the spectrum of "wonders of the world?"
• [A metaphor, likes as chalk.] "If a free service hypothetically provided me with a piece of chalk for free, we would still have to mark that down at a market rate for the campaign." What a shitty free service.
• "Their profile pictures were dogs. Some people were from random schools and I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck.com." No commentary needed...except for maybe that we-don't-give-a-fuck.com either. 
• "That domain name was given to me as a gift." Birthday ideas for the overzealous student politician in your life!
• "It was a barren website." 'Barren' as in...plant-less and unable to reproduce?
• "If you're going to be smart, all they can say is 'no, we didn't do it.'" Alas, if anyone was going to be smart, we wouldn't need a hearing.
• [Slide shows Delaney-Bittar Facebook page, of which the cover photo is a house of cards.] "Hopefully this house of cards does fall." [Room fills with nervous laughter.] That is some gentle, gentle comedy.
• "In terms of Penn Cash expenses, all of my expenses for printing were done via my Penn Cash account." Dude, you sound like an incorrect answer choice to an SAT writing question.
• "Unfortunately, I don't remember every single print that I made for the last two weeks because I do go to class like everybody else." HOW CONVENIENT.
• "Do you have any ACTUAL evidence, not just correlation or speculation?" Thank you for reminding us what the purpose of this hearing really is.
• "Did you document these likes?" "'Document?' What do you mean 'document'?" We literally mean 'document'...
• "Are you a Manchurian candidate?" "A what?" When we heard this, all we could think of were churros. 
•  "Does this constitute forgery?" "I'm not a lawyer so I don't know." Finally, five minutes before this thing ends someone in the room admits that they are not a laywer and this is not, in fact, an actual trial.
• "When you leave this room, please treat each other respectfully and kindly." Just...LOL. (We hope this post doesn't violate that suggestion.)
• "No one speaks on my behalf, especially a STRANGER with a GRUDGE and MALICIOUS INTENTIONS. He is not a part of this campaign, he never has been, he never will be." This could be an actual "House of Cards" quote.