The Top Eight Edgiest Names On The 38th Street Bridge

We here at UTB take seriously our commitment to provide you all with the juiciest, sauciest, most scandalous gossip on campus. That's why we've decided to foray into the world of investigative journalism, as we uncover the eight edgiest names that appear on various plaques on the 38th Street Bridge. Blood, sweat, tears--and rain--went into the compilation of this list, which we understand may cause a bit of a controversy. Read on if you think you can handle it.

1. The "To-Be-Expected": Albert T. Powers & Co. With a last name like that, you've really got no choice but to go to Penn. These ballers dgaf about their status, so just let them do their thang. We can only imagine the sort of drama Bertie and his descendants must've caused on campus, but hey, they've got a plaque on the 38th Street Bridge now, so the joke is really on us.

2. The Independent: Bonnie Miao Bandeen Why squeeze the names of a whole family onto a plaque, when you could kiss the competition goodbye and only include yourself? Our girl Bonnie has got the right idea: make zero apologies for who you are, Queen Bandeen (even if the stone looks awkwardly empty and we're seriously wondering why she didn't get a smaller one). We're bowing down.

3. The Dark Horse: Yvette Fromer Mincheff Look, we're not one to point fingers, but we don't think it's simply coincidence that Miss Yvette's last name is eerily similar to the word "mischief"...which makes us wonder: Who was she??? What was she up to??? And most importantly, how did she leave her mark on dear old Penn, other than with this plaque?!

4. Putting The "J" In "Jewish": The Bernsteins These trendsetters were the first of their kind to randomly pick a name for their first child and then for some reason decide to use the beginning letter of that name for the rest of their children even if they didn't really like the names that forced them to use. Seriously, "Joan" and "Jan" are the same except for one letter. But we give 'em props for inspiring the Kardashians, so credit where credit is due.

5. The Unapologetics: The Mainwarings  Haters gonna hate, but at least these BAMFs gave us a warning before--oh wait, that says "Mainwaring," not "Mainwarning." Damn. All our puns just became irrelevant.

6. The One-Uppers: The Freedlanders Ha, you thought #5 was trippy? Well, check this one out. No, they're not freeloaders; they're the Freedlanders--which you better RESPECT. And don't even think about calling Bea "Beatriz" or Elizabeth "Bess," because they are not having it. Know your place, peasants.

7. The So-Wrong-It's-Wright: Cynthia Liisa Wright At first glance, this name is anything but edgy; can it get more conventional than a first-last name combo like Cynthia Wright? But then you notice that middle name and you're just like...wow, everything I thought I knew about the world has just been challenged. Apparently the name "Lisa" can be spelled with two "i's" if you really want it to. Bad b!tch Cynthia just really went for it.

8. The Unexplained Ancestor (And Clear Winner): Lara Schwartz Lerner Ben, Ben--is that you?! Call us biased, but we can't help thinking the edgiest name here belongs to none other than Lara Schwartz Lerner, who may or may not be related to our fabulous Editor-In-Chief, Ben Lerner. Then again, Lara managed to get a plaque on the bridge, and Ben can't say the same for himself yet, so the pressure is on. Lara Lerner sure as hell set the bar high.