Chipoultry-Gate 2014: A Retrospective
April 3, 2014 at 5:19 pm
Quakers have just begun to recover from the despair and disappointment of last week. While we all put on a brave face, the mood on campus was pervasive. We were under-poultried, over-barbacoa’d, and just plain hurt. Amidst the campus-wide recovery, UTB takes a critical look at last week’s Chipotle chicken shortage, breaking down the crisis day by day.
Day 1: The chicken goes missing on St. Fratty’s Day. We accept it as a momentary glitch. St. Patrick banished the snakes out of Ireland and the chicken out of Chipotle, we drunkenly reason with ourselves. We stumble forward towards Jimmy John’s.
Day 2: Chicken is still lackin'. Most of campus accepts a poultry-free weekend, but for some, the anger has already erupted. Violent threats ensue.
Day 3: Ambiguous sign (pictured above) is posted. We are at a loss. We expect technical difficulties from AirPennNet, Blackboard (RIP), and things that involve, you know, technology. But Chipotle? Utter betrayal.
Day 4: Suspicions about the chicken famine grow. Several students attempt to ask Chipotle employees when the chicken will return, but the secretive shrugs that are given in return hurt more than the refusals of a third free tortilla.
Day 5: Panic grows as we begin grasping at theories to explain the loss. Could Chipotle’s naturally raised, antibiotic-free, pampered chickens be demanding even MORE rights? Are they sticking it to the Man, simply running around headless and refusing to die? The search for answers is futile, as are our requests for just a little bit more rice.
Day 6: After days of anguish, we reach a point of acceptance. Settle for Qdoba.......lol just kidding, it was never that bad.
Day 7: Chicken mysteriously reappears weeks before it was rumored to return, so we can only assume that the chicken revolt was brutally crushed. All clear in the area of 39th & Walnut; order restored.
Alas, with every heartache comes a lesson. In the aftermath, we are reminded that, like life, chicken supplies are ephemeral. We must enjoy the blessings (Chipotle chicken, Greek lady honey mustard, freaky fast Jimmy John's delivery, etc.) that each day brings.