The Penn Plagues

As Frogro runs out of Matzah and Sweetgreen engages in religious profiling to hand some out, we thought it might be interesting to explore what might have happened if the Passover story occurred a little closer to Penn. Lets say, if John Legend (Moses) couldn't convince Amy-G (Pharoh) that he should be freed from being the only alumni worthy of the public view, then this...

1) Blood-All Beverages Turn to Franzia

Now this might not initially get you believing in another God, but rest assured, drinking exclusively Franzia will lock you in a BYO from hell. Want a glass of water? Maybe a shot? No. Blush from now until you crack from the never ending hangover.

2) Frogs-Mice

If this plague came, we're not sure off-campus residents, or anyone at Penn, would notice much of a difference. Once your floor is 80% traps, 20% carpet, things can't get much worse.

3) Lice-Lice

Enjoy taking those prof pic worthy shots with your besties as you gently lay you head next to theirs? Get ready for the itch as recent studies are declaring a selfie induced lice epidemic. As Marcy McQuillan so eloquently put it: "Selfies are fun, but the dangers are real."

4) Wild Animals- Squirrels

Whether they are climbing into windows, attacking backpacks or dancing provocatively outside the Rosengarten windows, Penn squirrels are already out of control. Add a little divine fury to the mix, and those furry tailed terrors will pelt us with nuts till they get the respect they deserve.

5) Dead Animals-We Have Them

We have possums impaled by spikes and and pigeons run over by bikes (it happens). The only person who would look forward too this plague would be the guy who got to resurrect this. Isn't Instagram just beautiful? (Check out UTB's for some glory shots)

6) Boils-Pink Eye

One thing that seems to get passed around more than old tests in a frat Dropbox is pink eye. See that girl who never leaves the house without makeup in a pair of glasses and looking a bit emotional? You might as well go rub your eye on hers because chances are you're getting it anyway. In plague form it is called conjunctivitis.

7) Hail-Hail

Nothing hurts more than putting away your freshly donned sandals in favor of snow boots. We thank you for fling, but please stop the winter that never ends. We're broken.

8) Locusts-Locust Flyers

Just imagine 10 times, 20 times the number of eager student groups shoving little slips of paper into your hands that are conveniently full with a cup of coffee and a piece of trash or something. Dance! Acapella! Free Food! (free food?) Retreat to Walnut! The swarms are upon us!

9) Darkness-Blackouts

A possible corollary of plague 1, imagine living under the constant fear of idiotic text messages and debt inducing drink bills. Plague 9 is also known as "Fling."

10) Death of The First Born-Finals

If plagues 1-9 didn't send you scurrying to NYC (summer is coming after all), this last plague will certainly do the trick. Only divine intervention can cause the scheduling horror known as finals week, or for some, finals day. Burrow into your study holes and maybe you'll be lucky enough to pass(over).