What's NOT HapPENNing?

Here at UTB, it's our pleasure to round up the weekly goings on at Penn every week for your overscheduled convenience. Many weeks, there's so much hapPENNing that you might wonder, "What's NOT happening?" Well, this reading days and formal-filled half class week before finals, we're proud to present events that are distinctly NOT occurring:

Monday, 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.: You Going To Class Lol, not gonna happen. Too early. No motivation. Senioritis/Junioritis/End Of Semesteritis.

Tuesday, 12 to 11 p.m.: You Getting A Formal Date You spend all day desperately texting to find a potentially bangable gent or gal to link arms with at the ball...to no avail. Of COURSE, even your platonic BFF's event is the same night. Give up and decide to make Franzia your plus one.

Wednesday, 9 p.m. to 2 a.m.: You Maintaining Dignity At Formal Ohhhh no, you're blackout partway through the BYO...again. And you don't even know anyone here besides your date. Oh well. Only God can judge ya. ...Whatever.

Thursday, 2 to 8 p.m.: You Getting Any Work Done Nope. Too hungover from formal. Shut it down, you're getting an A in NTFLX 001. Or, if you're a junior, you're blackout again.

Friday, 7:30 to 10 p.m.: Student Performances We mean, there might be some, but for the first time in recent memory, this weekend is not chock full of flyering performing arts groups clogging your feeds with self promotion and group rates. Aca-believe it.

Saturday, 10 p.m. to 2 a.m.: You Staying In "Yes, mom, I'll focus on my studies and spend tonight in the library." Alas, your Rosenparty drops the Rosen and you're taking as many shots as pages you have left to write in that paper (read: too many).