UTB's Ultimate Guide To Finals Procrastination

Don't want to study for finals? Tell us something we don't know. Luckily, we've made the ultimate guide to procrastinate any and all work you have. Follow along as we offer you twenty real, fake, and half-assed things to do instead of studying.

Productive Ways to Procrastinate

1. Watch Lana Del Rey’s masterful “Ride” video. As a co-author of this post, I (CharCo) just need to share with the entire Penn community that taking a 10:10 study break to watch this video will get you through finals.

2. Commemorate Audrey Hepburn’s birthday by getting a glimpse of her throughout the ages. But please, don’t follow it up by buying one of those cliché Breakfast At Tiffany’s dorm room posters. Because that’s basic.

3. Your friends have already seen this, so do yourself a favor and check it out, too. We take Beyoncé seriously, as should you.

4. Donate $1 to provide an HIV test for a pregnant woman in the Congo. Seriously, this is such a better way to spend $1 than on burnt coffee from Mark’s Cafe.

5. Check out the newly updated, snazzy Penn Course Review website. Live up to the overeager Penn kid stereotype by preparing for the add/drop period now.

...Non-Productive Ways to Procrastinate

1. You’re like, literally, exhausted because you ran the Broad Street Run yesterday morning. And now you’re too sore to find a comfortable position in which to study. So don’t.

2. Procrasturbate. This might be the only time we advise you to do what you want, what you want, with your body.

3. Take the time to bleach your white socks. Neglect all other laundry.

4. Use the hand dryers in the bathroom instead of paper towels because now that you’ve committed to not studying, you have extra time to wait for warm air to dry your hands and care about the environment.

5. Remember how good Metro Station was.

6. Throw a RosenParty by BYO-ing VP.

7. Text your hookup buddy from high school to see how he/she is “doing” (read: to secure ass for the summer).

8. Get coffee from that uncharted place in Fagin Hall because you heard it’s good and off the beaten path.

9. Try imitating Amy Gutmann’s flawless style by overnighting every red pantsuit you can find on Amazon. Cry once you try them on because it’s hopeless.

10. Host a bonfire to torch all the books that you successfully smuggled out of VP.

Ways to Replace Legitimate Studying with 'Related Material’

1. Instead of studying for your Comm-130 exam, practice your speaking skills by talking to yourself out loud...in Fisher.

2. Collectively study for Geology and Philosophy by picking up a rock and thinking about it.

3. Instead of studying for your Stat-111 exam, calculate the probability that one of your booty calls is also free at the exact moment you text him/her/it.

4. Instead of working on your Accounting take-home exam, charge nice things to your parents’ account...and take them home.

5. Instead of studying for your Comp Sci exam, develop a social networking site that takes the college experience online!!! Where you can upload pictures and make statuses! You’d be like the next Mark Zucker--aw, shit...