The Comprehensive Guide to Family Weekend 2014

It seems the leaves have finally reached the appropriate autumnal hue and there's just enough snap in the air to make every breath feel like a new beginning. That can only mean one thing -- it's family weekend! 

Besides it being the perfect opportunity for awkward dinners at Pod and to take fifteen year-old siblings to frat parties, there are also a number of school sponsored events to trick the parents into thinking that Penn is like this all the time! We want to help out, so we've compiled a handy guide of the most and least skippable events so that you don't run the risk of being caught dead at anything under-attended or snack-free. Happy family weekend, friends! 

Friday Night

Penn Sprint Football (7 pm, Franklin Field, 33rd and South Streets, Penn vs. Army) This is the only football game going on this weekend, so GO! Yeah, athletic spirit isn't really a thing here but you should give it the old college try, if only so that your parents can have somewhere to wear the new Penn swag they picked up at the bookstore. GO QUAKERS! 

Comedy Sportz (8 pm, Hall of Flags, Lowever Level, Houston Hall, 3417 Spruce Street) So this has nothing to do with sports (or sportz), but it advertises improv comedy and "good, clean, FREE, family fun for everyone!" Meh, there are a lot of free events this weekend and we prefer things dirty anyways. SKIP. 

Penn Symphony Orchestra Open Dress Rehearsal (8 pm, Irvine Auditorium, 3401 Spruce Street) Hopefully this will calm everyone's fears that a conventional weekend at college won't have enough classical music going on. Yeah, maybe not everyone's idea of a good time but it sounds chill and enjoyable after a long day of walking. We'll put it as a MAYBE so that you can post an insta and fool everyone into thinking you're cultured. 

BALLETBOYZ (8 pm, Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts, 3680 Walnut Street) Again with the "z's" instead of "s's?" Apart from the weird lexical thing, this does actually sound pretty cool. International lads shirtless and writhing around onstage? Sounds good! Could be pricey (tickets are $20 each) but worth it. GO if you want to spend the money (read: have your parents pay for you), obviously SKIP if not. 

Saturday

"Information Booth" (9 am-2pm, Houston Lobby, 3417 Spruce Street) As one of the least descriptive events, it's fair to say that this is a SKIP. Sure, they're giving away the "Proud Penn Parent" buttons, but the bumper sticker, sweatshirt, beer stein, coffee mug and baseball hat that your parents already bought the day you were accepted might be enough to get the point across. All the information is online anyways. 

Continental Breakfast (9-10 am, First Floor Lobby, Levine Hall, 3330 Walnut Street) This might only be for engineering students. We didn't really bother to find out in our rabid frenzy over the words "Continental Breakfast" and this one goes later than the Wharton breakfast so it's worth a shot. GO.  

Undergraduate Research Poster Exhibit (9:30 am-11 am, Bodek Lounge, Houston, 3417 Spruce Street) Why would you want to spend the morning looking at posters? Take your parents to Greek Lady instead for some real undergraduate research. SKIP. 

The College Luncheon (12-1:30 pm, Hall of Flags, Houston, 3417 Spruce Street) GO GO GO! It's free and the food is delish but you need a reservation. Really make it a priority to guzzle down some food with Penn's #1 party cat, Dean Furda. 

Our Favorite Apps (3-4 pm, Meyerson Conference Room, Van Pelt-Dietrich Library Center) Tinder, Snapchat and Instagram are our favorite apps. No need to attend. SKIP. 

You're Majoring in What?! (1:30-2:30 pm, Bodek Lounge, Houston Hall, 3417 Spruce Street) We actually do go to Penn for academics, so it's pretty important to work on figuring out what you might want to major in. Also this event features successful alumni from all sorts of majors, could be a great way to convince your parents that yes, even if you pick the humanities, you still can get a job post-grad. GO. 

Student Created Videos (2 pm, Meyerson Conference Room, Van Pelt-Dietrich Library Center) Penn has some crazy-talented kids who make videos but this could also be a highlight reel of the most boring things ever filmed. May be worth the risk (especially if this makes an appearance), so we'll put it down as a MAYBE. 

Student Performing Arts Night (8 pm, Irvine Auditorium, 3401 Spruce Street) This already happened and it was called FPAN and it was free for freshmen. Now it costs $$. An awesome opportunity to pander to some of Penn's favorite performing arts acts, so GO if you missed it the first time around, SKIP otherwise.

Sunday

Newman Catholic Center Pancake Breakfast (10:30 am, 3720 Chestnut Street) Pancakes! GO if this is your thing, if not hit up the . . . 

Hillel Sunday Brunch (11 am- 12:30 pm, Hillel at Penn, Steinhardt Hall, 215 South 39th Street) Or the. . . 

College of Arts and Sciences Brunch (10:30 am - 12 pm, The Inn at Penn, 3600 Sansom Street) Whatever floats your boat, definitely GO and do brunch, it's a collegiate tradition as old as time. 

Morris Arboretum (100 E. Northwestern Avenue, Chestnut Hill) This also costs money, but Morris Arboretum is pretty AF in the fall and could be worth the hike out to Chestnut Hill if you're bored with the on-campus events and want to harken back to the "countryside." MAYBE. Here's the link for the arboretum. 

Penn Computer Connection (University Square, 3610 Sansom Street) This "event" is really just the opportunity to go and shop at Computer Connection. Smh, today's consumer culture. SKIP. 

And there you have it folks! It's shaping up to be quite the weekend. For more information, visit this website.