How To Get MERTed At All Times Of Day

The mysterious heroes of the Medical Emergency Response Team will now be emerging from their top secret fortress located under Ware and saving us all 24/7 on weekends rather than 5PM-7AM. Why, you ask, would one need to be MERTed at 4PM on a Sunday? There are so many possibilities. Here are but a few.**

8AM

You fall out of bed reaching for water and you should actually contact MERT because we did this once and got a concussion.

Or you just need a cuddle buddy. It’s getting cold now. :(

9AM

You realize that the person who’s texted you “hey” eleven times in the last hour is your DFMO from last night and you faint from sheer shame.

10AM

Squirrel attack, possibly rabid.

11AM

E.E. Web uploaded the photos from Rumor and you look pretty wack.

12PM

You're feeling a tad peckish and decide an IV drip is more appealing than Commons.

Remember you hate needles and invite the nice hardworking MERTers to Sunday brunch instead.

1PM

You didn’t think drinking 5 or more of those brunch-time orange mimosas actually counted as binge drinking but it definitely does.

2PM

You need a study buddy for that bio exam because being in MERT is synonymous with being Pre-med. Also you got a paper cut while rapidfire page flipping through your textbook, speed-reading the last 3 weeks of material.

Why the hell is the bathroom in Fisher Fine Arts so gross?

3PM

In need of some R&R, you head to the biopond and, distracted by the overwhelming natural beauty of the flora and fauna you fall in and are taken prisoner by the mer-people that live in its depths. They intend to sacrifice you to the mer-bio-king that ensures the success of all Penn research.

4PM

Somebody call 911, shawty fire on the (darty) dancefloor—OoOoh WoAAh.

You slip and fall while storming around the darty looking for your lost wallet and accidentally give yourself a black eye, as one disoriented Ed may or may not have done last year. But seriously be careful, those floors are mad slippery.

5PM

Call just to check in, because you and MERT got kind of close throughout the day and you miss them. How are things going?

**But don't actually be a douchebag and call MERT when there's no real medical emergency.