How To Have An Anti-Yom Kippur
October 3, 2014 at 1:38 pm
Yom Kippur is approaching and along with opportunities for repentance and pre-fall break weight loss comes the opportunity to show the world how not Jewish you really are. Terrified of the balding Long Island dad you slowly see yourself becoming? Sick of everyone assuming you're Jewish because your last name is Cohen? If you care about Yom Kippur, click here. If you need to prove how little you care, read on!
1) Eat bacon every hour on the hour.
Nothing screams idgaf louder than forcing yourself to eat pounds of the least kosher food on the planet. If you start feeling nauseous switch to ham. Its lighter.
2) Have a spa day.
According to the strict set of Yom rules, no washing of any kind is allowed. So treat yourself to the mani/padi/facial/mineral bath you deserve. There's not better time to look your best than when other people are looking their worst. After all the bacon, we might recommend a facial.
3) Have a lot of sex.
Because you are looking so damn fine, there should be no shortage of suitors. This the one Friday night Jews are not supposed to get down, so go Kate Taylor all over the place.
4) Be an asshole
Repentance is for sissies. If during your sexcapade you hooked-up with your ex and then escaped out the window while he/she was sleeping. Don't feel bad. And whatever you do don't apologize.