Scandalous Exposé In TIME Confirms That Penn Is A College

After Kate Taylor cancelled her visit to Penn in September, we needed some arbitrary journalism to fill the void. In a very shocking and intensely risqué TIME article, Jeffrey M. Rothbard C'72 discusses that while "recreational drugs made cheesesteaks taste better," he doesn't understand why Penn was named Playboy's top party school. In other words, he has published the literal same thing that everyone has been saying for the past month and a half, with an unexpected highlight about that one time he got wasted and woke up to two women in his bed. Basically, Jeffrey Rothbard really wants everyone to know he went to Penn and it was a solid time, and that he definitely had sex once.

Though Rothbard thinks that Penn students have gotten more attractive, he thinks things on campus have calmed down since the 70s. That's probably true – with Penn students using their well-earned degrees to change the world by creating serious innovations like these, we know that academics always will be our number one priority.