How The Professors Stole Winter Break: A Finals Time Poem

Every Prof down at UPenn liked finals a lot…

But the students, who went to Penn, truly did NOT!

They all hated finals! The whole finals season!

Now, please don’t ask why. There’s more than one reason.

It could be that finals keep us up all night.

It could be, perhaps, that deadlines are too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason we huff,

Is that ‘fore we go home, there’s waaay too much stuff.

Whatever the reason, when this time of year comes

When all we want is to cry to our mums,

We sit in Van Pelt, which is full as a zoo

Silently praying for a hug, one or two,

Not caring from where, not caring from who,

Yet nobody says something helpful to you!

-- 

Profs stared at their students, with a finals day grin,

“They’ll regret skipping readings, and recitation.”

For they knew every Quaker down in Pennville around,

Was busy now studying, their brilliance unbound.

“The semester’s near over!” they snarled with a sneer,

“Some go home tomorrow! They’ll escape from here!”

Then they growled, with their Professor fingers nervously drumming,

“We MUST find some way to stop this Break from coming!”

For Tomorrow, they knew, every Penn gal and lad,

Would wake bright and early. They’d no longer be sad!

--

And the more one Professor thought of this wintertime off,

The more bitter he grew, and then said the Prof:

“Why, for all semester I’ve put up with them now!”

“I MUST stop this Break from coming, but HOW?”

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

THE PROF GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

“I know just what to do!” the Professor laughed in his throat,

And he logged onto Canvas, and he said, and I quote:

“I’m sorry to spring this on you right now,

But I forgot some assignments, I can’t tell you how!

Remember that test that I made you all take?

Oh what a horrible, terrible, mistake I did make!

I will cut to the chase, keep this from you no more,

But that test has a Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4!

You also have a paper, that too I forgot,

That’s due 5 post-meridian, 5 PM on the dot.

And the project I told you could be done alone

Is now a group project, though your group has gone home.

Send my regards to those who must come back,

But tell them I do NOT approve of their slack.

The last thing I forgot, apologies in advance,

Is that if you neglect these assignments perchance,

I’ll have to suspend you, remove you from Penn,

Until next semester, when you’ll take this class again!”

“If you have any questions,” he typed with a scoff,

“Just shoot me an email, but I’ll be logged off.

Maybe next time you’ll remember to ask your dear Prof,

If there’s anymore work to do pre-your takeoff.”

--

The Prof sent the email, and before he stood up,

The students had replied: “Enough is enough.”

“We’re tired of finals, we must not tell lies,

We don’t see this as fair, and might we advise,

That you take back these assignments, or we’ll be forced to abstain,

From these absurd expectations you have for our brains.

So as a group, we choose to respectfully decline.

‘Cause we want to be peaceful, we don’t want to whine.

Just know that we had a nice time in your class,

And that trying to delay Winter Break is just crass.

We wish you a merry holiday and winter vacation,

And we’re sorry for skipping Friday morn' recitation.

Sincerely yours, the students who are spent,

Who do not appreciate the announcement you sent.”

--

The Prof went into shock, his eyes widened wide,

He read it once more, slumped his shoulders and cried.

He HADN’T stopped Winter Break from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, Break came just the same!

And he thought for two hours, till his brain was v sore,

Then he thought of a thought he had not before!

“Maybe giving them work wasn’t caring at all,

I mean they did work pretty damn hard this fall.

I suppose I’ll let it go, but they should know now,

That I WILL stop Spring Break, SOME WAY, SOME HOW!"