Penn Abolishes Snow Days

[Disclaimer: This post was part of our annual Joke Day series. As if we would ever use this font seriously.]

In light of our excess of snow days last semester, and the antics of snow-bound students, the higher-ups have decided to crack down on the number of cancelled classes this winter season. Keep your pajamas inside out because a simple six-inch dusting just won't cut it, as Penn Public Safety plans to only shut-down operations for two feet or more. To implement this new policy, Penn Facilities will begin salting now and continue salting through winter break and into the middle of March. Faculty is encouraged to bring candles and flashlights to class to ensure that even if power goes out, the class can go on. Can someone say romance?

To transport students to class, the University Bookstore will begin selling sleds during reading week and we hear Uber is planning to offer special rates on its SUVs. While we're obviously outraged by this attack on the child in all of us, we are particularly upset about the lack of time for snow activities, as more time in class means less time for this.