Penn Says Academic Probation For Lost PennCards

[Disclaimer: This post was part of our annual Joke Day series. As if we would ever use this font seriously.]

Yesterday administrators signed new legislation mandating that Penn will no longer be printing PennCards, and that in the future, all students who lose their PennCards will be put under academic probation. While this doesn’t blemish your transcript, it’s just like, really? Isn’t this a little much? 

Apparently President Gutmann doesn’t think so, since she reportedly said this:

“Losing a PennCard is irresponsible, and we cannot condone irresponsibility by printing more PennCards whenever they are misplaced. Students lose their cards because they are careless. It’s like not caring about a class. Academic probation makes sense, and is effective immediately.” 

While we haven’t gotten reports of any “PennCard Losers” getting denied new cards, A-Gut seems weirdly serious, especially given that she just approved marijuana use on campus! Rumors among administration say that Amy is bound to face backlash, and they predict that she’ll just end up raising the prices to replace PennCards (up from the usual $25 to $100-150 per card).

You may be thinking: how can they do this? No PennCards means being locked out of all the high-rises, dining halls, libraries, the gym, and even Student Health! Not to mention registered parties…which is really the bigger issue here. We’re outraged, confused, and holding onto our PennCards for dear life. But at the same time we aren’t too concerned, because a PennCard black market sounds like a great idea for a startup, don’t you think?