Priceless Things Grandma Said At Thanksgiving

The best thing about Thanksgiving break is obvs the food, but slightly inappropriate, always hilarious quotes from your drunk uncle come in at a close second. We rounded up the gems from our respective families for your post-break entertainment. You are so welcome.

Dad on commissioning a nude portrait of mom: "In Victorian times it was commonplace for the matriarch to be depicted nude in portrait form."

Mom on Christmas carols: "Can we dubstep this?"

Mom when "I Don't Fuck With You" is trending on Sonos Radio: "Who is Big Sean?"

Aunt getting too real: "All I do is watch QVC and cry."

Mom on Christmas presents: "Where does one buy puzzles these days?"

Clever turkey-cooking Dad: "I'm all about that baste, 'bout that baste."

Drunk Grandma: "Uncle Jay artificially inseminated cows when he was in college."

Drunker Grandma: "Of course I don't dress the dog! But she does have a Christmas dress."

Aunt to millennial: "Are you TWITTERING?"

12-year-old cousin: "Will you follow me on Insta?"

Dad to Hollywood-savvy son: "Jennifer Aniston is a doormat." Son who may or may not also be the editor of UTB: "She is happily engaged; why do you say such things?" Dad: "To see you get riled up like this."

Same son: "You're a size-ist and you think there hasn't been a good Hollywood movie since Schindler's List and you hate all female celebrities." Same Dad: "No, I like Dakota Fanning."

Baby cousin screaming in fear as he discovers his own anatomy: "My butt CRACKED."

Grandma playing Cards Against Humanity: "I'd rather have a sex dungeon than an Oompa Loompa!"

Uncle: "Woody Allen follows me on Twitter. He must think I'm a teenage girl."

Knowledgeable uncle: "Ghengis Khan and Bing Crosby have fathered the most children in history."

Not so tech savvy aunt: "It took me 6 months to set up my LinkedIn." Honest grandma: "It took me 6 months to learn how to pronounce LinkedIn!"

Crafty grandma playing Scrabble: "How do you spell 'semen'?"

Dad who reads too many online articles: "Did you know the average college student has 10 sexual partners over the 4 years?"

Aunt to cousin: "Stop live snapchat storying this dinner."

A Scottish visitor: "So this is what American Thanksgiving is all about – Fireball and Slapcup!"

Confident mom: "Watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians just makes me feel confident."

Cousin with lingo: "My friend took a selfie with Pennsatucky from OITNB on the street and put it on her FINSTA (Fake Instagram)."