What We Really Want From The UA's New App

Perhaps in a last desperate plea for attention, the UA has come out with a new app, featuring a full campus directory, news, info on Penn Transit, and even menus from campus restaurants. This sounds cool and all, but we have a few bells and whistles in mind that could turn this plain old app into the next Snapshotr:

• Campus Dog Tracker – Track all the dogs on campus anytime for maximum petting opportunities.
• Campus Baby Tracker – Similarly, for when you just want to play with a baby.
• HU Tracker – Track your one night stands so you can avoid them (this goes for TAs, exes, and freshman year hallmates as well).
• Literally Chasing Amy – Track A-Gut wherever her highness appears on campus because you can't resist a celebrity sighting.
• Sweater Weather – Lets you know when you should bother being blizzarded to get to Hemo’s, or if leaving your room is just not worth it.
• Chipotline – Immediate alerts when the Chipotle wait is five minutes or less.
• Emergency Butt Dial – Calls you in hostile situations, e.g. passive aggressive conversation with mother over major/housing arrangement, discussions about politics with the social media intern from the Statesman.
• Spring Fling Countdown – Downward counting to Spring Fling.
• Douchebag Douser – Spills wine on anyone that uses "networking" in casual conversation.
• Rush the Ratio – Finds other people in close proximity who are also looking for the perfect ratio
• GBM Crasher – List of all GBMs offering free food any given night.