Misguided Campus Reformers Want To Sabotage Starbucks Perfection

Fact One: Starbucks under Commons is the absolute best. Fact Two: Starbucks under Commons doesn't have a lot of outlets. Fact Three: This doesn't matter, refer back to fact one. 

Unfortunately, some campus change makers want to fix Starbucks under Commons as if it has any problems. Yes, there are no outlets but this just serves as a natural flushing mechanism. No one should be allowed to camp out in Starbucks all day. It is the people's café; there shall be no seat monopolies here! You go to Starbucks to SABS, drink macchiatos, and secretly listen in on way too personal conversations. You do not go to Starbucks to be a seat hoarder and camp out all night like our younger selves before the final Harry Potter book.

So heed our warning and don't support this petition. The social conventions of Starbucks under Commons are set like fine gossamer, any small change will destroy the whole system. If you really want to use our tuition effectively, fix Commons; we heard that place is disgusting.