This Job Search Description Will Make You Cringe

Congratulations, you now have the privilege of tutoring a ninth grader whose achievements easily surpass yours. This "precocious, motivated" 14-year-old will be taking a year off of her intensive high school curriculum to study in one year what you will probably take 4 years at Penn to do. For an unbeatable 10 bucks an hour, you get the privilege of being blessed by a 9th grader's scholarly knowledge of the Great American classics...via Skype. If you are a Penn student with a high level of pretentiousness, perpetual desire to be around annoying people, and inexplainable amount of free time despite the fact that you, too, are currently pursuing academia, then this is the job for you. Oh, and just a reminder: your tutee is bilingual and tri-cultural, so don't forget to take a visit to Sao Paulo and brush up on your Mandarin a little bit before accepting this job offer — you want to avoid potential for an awkward power dynamic.