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20 Things We Wish The Pope's Visit Actually Had An Impact On

By GENA BASHA

September 25, 2015 at 2:14 pm

Our kind friend Pope Francis is coming to the city of brotherly love this weekend. The whole world is being put on hold: classes cancelled, concerts postponed, stores closed... But what if the Pope’s visit affected things we actually cared about? Here’s what we think should happen to the world in light of his visit:

  1. Class is cancelled, so...Christmas in September?
  2. The Quad becomes a city-state a la Vatican and the residents elect the most hip and simultaneously most elderly appearing freshman as their leader.
  3. The pigeons of Philly all become doves.
  4. We ask the Pope to bless SEPTA so it doesn’t suck so much.
  5. DRL is closed permanently after this weekend so we never have to hear about it again.
  6. The pope single-handedly nominates the winners of freshman UA races so we never have to hear about it again.
  7. The LGBT center gets decked out in marble Italian Renaissance statues since the pope is so gay-friendly.
  8. Rumor gets an actually decent playlist for the weekend since the pope is so hip and cool.
  9. Castle becomes headquarters for the Swiss guard.
  10. They make the Porta Potties installation permanent to accommodate our post-downtown walk on the river ratchetry
  11. All the Uber cars turn into white stallions.
  12. Professors realize that assigning homework is a sin.
  13. We all get new free hats because we are so pious.
  14. The Pope uses his speech at Independence Hall to announce his guest appearance at Skimmerfest.
  15. The ban on visitors this weekend gets reversed into a Pope-themed hotel party in all college houses.
  16. White smoke billows out of Magic Carpet whenever they run out of cookies so betches will know when to stop cutting in line with their $1 bills in hand.
  17. Pope Crawl drinks all get added to Pope Francis’ tab in his honor (Harvest and Smokes included).
  18. The pope guest lectures in an intermediate-level Latin class.
  19. The Schuykill turns into a Narnia-esque white sea.
  20. Philadelphia gets renamed the city of Fatherly love.

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