(Penn Police: DO NOT READ THIS) Top 5 Places To Conduct A Drug Deal On Campus

As you guys all know, Spring Fling is almost on the way to coming up so if it's important to you, get all your recreational drug needs taken care of while the market's still calm. But whether you're a dealer or a dealee, it's not easy deciding on a place to meet and complete that special act of private capitalism. That's why we scoured campus to determine the most secret and secure places to conduct a drug deal. You're welcome.

#5) In the Biopond

Yes, submerged in the middle where it's good and deep. Think about it, no one will be able to see you through the opaque, green water. And since most drugs are dealt in sealed plastic bags anyway, you won't have to worry about them getting wet. 

Privacy: ????
Atmosphere:  ??
Convenience: ???
Overall: ???

#4) The roof of Frogro

Easily one of the best places on campus to conduct a drug deal because of how empty it is. We already know about all the sketchy stuff that goes on in the seclusion of that oft-unoccupied parking floor. Too bad pretty much everyone in (the) R[o/a]di(a)n can see it.

Privacy: ???
Atmosphere: ?????
Convenience:  ???
Rap battle acoustics: ?????

#3) The alleyway that leads into M&T HQ

This place is like the premium version of the classic dark and foreboding alleway. If you enjoy crime, graffiti, darkness, management, or technology, you'll feel right at home here. 

Privacy: ????
Atmosphere:  ????
Convenience: ???
Texas: ?

#2) The Penn Museum mummy exhibit

The security guards won't even care. Honestly, they'll just be happy to see people actually checking out the Penn Museum. But why conduct the deal in the mummy exhibit specifically? Because that's where it'll feel the most epic.

Privacy: ?????
Atmosphere:  ?????
Convenience: ????
Spooky: ?????

#1) Locust at midday

Sometimes, the best option is to hide in plain sight. Everyone's so wrapped up in their phone screens and flyer-forcefield attitudes these days that they won't even notice the world around them, let alone two people exchanging money and illicit substances. It's pretty obvious: this is the best possible place to conduct a DD on the DL.

Privacy: ?????
Atmosphere: ????? 
Convenience:   ?????
The Aries constellation contains: ?????

Honorable Mentions: Stoner Courtyard, inside one of those glass pyramids on Hunstman's patio, the DP office, and that lot behind the Palestra. There you have it. Feel free to bookmark this page so that the next time you're looking for a place to engage in a drug deal, you'll have five options to consider right off the bat. No need to thank us—just keep these spots hush hush. Now...if you need somewhere to do those drugs...check right here.