Help! I Lost My Coat And All My Worldly Possessions

Hey guys, I'm really sorry to post here, but I lost my coat at a party this weekend. I'm not sure where I was exactly, but I remember there being a bunch of incredibly small people-- like, Night at the Museum small-- doing tai chi to the beat of the critically acclaimed reggae album Earth Crisis by Steel Pulse. If this party rings any bells, please comment below.

Anyway, the coat is a black Canada Goose coat with fur trim on the hood-- just like the ones all your friends own, except a slightly darker black, and warmer than all the other ones. It's a size XXL, but it shrunk in the wash and now fits more like a men's medium. Please have a male friend who wears a size medium try the coat on to confirm that it's mine before messaging me.

I wouldn't usually post this in all four of the official "University of Pennsylvania Class of" pages, as well as the Free & For Sale page, Events & Parties page, and every club page that hasn't banned me yet, but this coat has my Penn card, keys, cell phone, and wallet in the pockets. On top of that, I had 3500 dollars in cash, my birth certificate and social security card, the secret recipe for my grandma's famous key lime goulash, and four pounds of human hair distributed throughout the pockets and secret compartments sewed into the coat's lining. 

It is incredibly important that I recover this jacket in a timely manner. If I don't scan my fingerprint on the jacket's identification console, it will self-destruct and level a full city block with its powerful blast. I cannot stress enough how bad that would be-- it's my only coat, and if it snows I'll be screwed. Thanks!