How To Celebrate Chinese New Year Away From Home

Happy day #3 of Chinese New Year! For those who celebrate it, Chinese New Year is always a difficult time to spend away from home. CNY isn’t the same without beating a twerpy little cousin at mahjong, but nonetheless, we’ve come up with a few ways you can celebrate Spring Festival right here at Penn:

1) No fireworks? No problem. Put a croissant in a Hill toaster– it’ll catch fire, you’ll panic, find a real adult, start crying, get scolded... ah, it’ll be just like last year

2) Get some auspicious new threads at the Penn Bookstore. We highly recommend this classy option.

3) Hit up Ken’s Seafood with some friends. You’ll get to eat, drink and sing badly. If you’re lucky, you might even bump into the tubby, tipsy middle-aged dude who really sort of looks like your second Uncle.

4) Miss your family? Give them a call on Skype, but make sure to angle the phone way up so they stop asking if you’ve gained weight.

5) Spruce up your dorm by snagging one of those decorative red balls on Locust.

6) Steal oranges from the dining halls to give to your Chinese teacher and hope that “cultural awareness” is enough for you to pass your language requirement.

7) Make sure your siblings don’t get their grubby hands on your red packets. Ask your mom to cash it all in and venmo it to you ASAP.

8) Beijing has a New Year’s menu till the 14^th . Stuff yourself with mediocre Chinese food and hope that your fortune cookie doesn’t say something subtely terrifyng.  

9) Call your Grandma. Wait for her to ask if you’ve eaten. Burst out crying, “NO GRANDMA, NO I HAVEN’T. Most of the food here is cold and stale, and their ‘Asian-style’ anything always has this super weird sweet sauce. I miss you Grandma."

10) Wait for Grandma to FedEx a big box of pineapple tarts. Finish all of them yourself and gain 20 pounds. The CNY transformation is now complete.