How To Get Out Of Your Housing Commitments For Next Year

As the inter-housing process draws to a close, you might find that you're not quite pleased with how the cookie crumbled. Not to worry, we've got some stress-free strategies for those of you who want to shimmy out of any number of hasty housing promises you might've made in the heat of the moment and are now coming to regret. 

If you pledged to live with your freshman hall mates because you totally felt a lifelong bond of friendship brewing as you helped pin each other’s togas in the sweaty atrium of Hill...

1. Suggest getting fro-yo with them (the chill of the yogurt in this weather will disarm their senses and dull their response time).
2. Tell them you’re transferring. You’ll never see them next year anyway, so they probably won’t find out.
3. Optional step: Actually transfer to a school with a more stable housing system. 

If you want a single for the whole year but you already told people you’d switch half way through...

1. This one's a long-game, so you'll need to commit for the entire semester. Just make sure you start out with the single, or else it's going to be a non-starter. 
2.  Ok. Now that you're secure, it's time for the main play: leaving subtle hints that you might be a serial killer. 
3. Start small, or else you'll be discovered quickly. Maybe don't come home for a few nights, or let slip that you like Nicholas Cage un-ironically, just to get your roomies wondering about you.
4. Escalate. Stuff a body-bag full with pillows and drag it out at night when you know your roommates are in the living room. Let them know that you read the Tab.
5. Get creative with it, continuing until your roommates begin locking their doors at night, and eventually tell you that moving mid-year would just be a hassle. 
6. Enjoy National Treasure in peace. 

If you want to live in your sorority house next year but you already have a lease…

1. Tell your friend group how great you think they are and how much you truly value their interest in the position of being your roommate.
2. Inform them how hard of an application year this was. Truly unprecedented.
3. State (verbatim: this isn't the time to go off-script, ladies) that the bond of sisterhood really takes precedent over non-institutional friendships, so you won’t be able to cohabitate with them at this time. 
4. Finish with a firm handshake and a regretful grimace. 

If you don’t want to live in your sorority house next year…

1. Make a fake facebook page with a new name and solely pictures of yourself from when you dressed up as Piper from OITNB for Halloween, complete with the orange jumpsuit and everything. 
2. Officially change your name to the selected alias, commit some crime major enough that it will get you sent to a women’s prison, but not so bad that you’re incarcerated for more than one year (one year's all you need for your memoir), become Piper Chapman.
3. Enjoy your new sisterhood and collect free, off-campus housing.

No matter what situation you're in, don’t worry too much about it! Know that no matter where you end up next year it’ll probably flood unexpectedly or possibly catch on fire, and no matter who you end up with, you’ll likely end up getting sexiled, possibly for days. 

And if you want some more handy housing hacks, check out UTB's guide to affordable housing options that are right on campus!