How To Live On Campus, For Free

The inter-house application process for on-campus housing next year just opened up yesterday, and closes tomorrow. For many, hours of the next days will be spent frantically filling out forms and wrangling roommates for an overpriced, poorly maintained apartment with one too few rooms. But it doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to pay the price of stress for your housing this year. In fact, you don't have to pay at all. We've scoured the campus and created a guide to free housing and showering at Penn.

HOUSING

• Van Pelt: Living in the library might not sound so great at first, but it's totally doable. The downstairs part never closes, so you can sleep on the couch, and you're bound to get smarter with all those books around you all the time. If someone at NYU could do it, you can too. After all, Penn is a better school.
• Amy Gutmann's House: This is a pretty ideal situation, honestly. A mansion sits on prime real-estate, mere minutes from Huntsman and Starbucks. The mansion sits empty, because Gutmann lives in New Jersey. It's is essentially kept up by your tuition money – so you're kinda entitled to live in it.
• The Tunnels Under The Quad: So your peace and quiet might get interrupted by the scent of cannabis or the sound of freshmen having disappointing sex once in a while, but it could be worse. The tunnels are warm, and they're probably more spacious than any room in the Quad.
• Hill House's Fallout Shelter: It exists, apparently, and it would make an excellent crib. Even if Hill House was destroyed in some act of war by a crazed foreign power (we're looking at you, Drexel), you'd be just fine.

SHOWERS

• Pottruck: Free hot water and free towels? And free hand sanitizer that you can use as soap?? This one's a no brainer.
• The Hill House Fountain: Great choice if you're living in the fallout shelter – it'll be right upstairs. We know bathing in a fountain doesn't sound so glamorous now, but it's a more luxe experience than you think. The skylights above let beautiful, natural light in from above and the fountain's water cycle means the water is constantly being refreshed. Plus, it's conveniently situated within a dining hall, so you can snack while you bathe. 
• Go Into A Science Lab And Use The Emergency Shower: Spend a lot of time in DRL? Next time, bring some flip flops. Ideally, you'll do this when there's no one else around, to avoid making a scene. If you have to shower and there are people in the classroom, pretend you're covered in acid from doing science – they'll respect you for it.

Live like a king for free, or live like a pauper for tens of thousands of dollars a year...the choice seems easy. Forget about the high rises – next year's housing craze will be the anarchist subterranean tent city springing up under the Quad.