Claim of Thrones: Eight Toilet Seats Stolen From Quad

UTB has received a tip from one of our many confidential informants that there has been a string of high-profile burglaries in the Quad. Now before you go locking your door and arming yourself with that cheap lamp you bought from Target, know that your personal belongs are safe. Your bathrooms and your quality time on the pot, on the other hand, couldn't be in more peril.

Sources indicate that three students have been stealing toilet seats from the bathrooms of the Quad. That's right...toilet seats. At this time, eight toilet seats have been reported stolen and the entire commode community has been shaken to its core. During the thefts, two students perform the crime while a third stands guard outside of the bathroom. It's a classic shitter shakedown. Reportedly, single-toilet bathrooms have not been hit by these chamber-pot pirates, so small restrooms can rest easy.

These dastardly deeds raise some questions. The primary question being, to what end are these toilet seats being stolen? Eight toilet seats suggests that perhaps the bathroom bandits aim to construct some sort of porcelain menorah. It seems a bit early for that and, quite frankly, it seems like kind of a shitty Hanukkah item. Maybe the thieves are compiling the seats to create some sort of modern art that students will only pretend to understand? Maybe they seek to create some sort of underground economy with a currency based in toilet seat commodity money? Maybe they're idiots/pledges?

At any rate, it's clear that PennPD and pissed-off RAs will not rest until the guilty parties are brought to justice and balance is restored to the bathrooms of the quad.

So stay alert. Stay vigilant. The culprit is the weird kid with a more than reasonable amount of toilet seats in his/her room. And he/she will be found.