How To Make The Perfect LinkedIn

Folks, it's 2016. If you want a good job, you're gonna need a good LinkedIn. The digital age is here, baby, and you don't want to fall behind. So before you miss out on another opportunity, strap in and follow our instructions on how to make the perfect LinkedIn profile. You'll be employed faster than you can say "I love to earn and save Dollars, that green currency which we all know and love to use."

Step 1: Choose a name

Do NOT use your real name. That's how you get catfished or your identity stolen. Just make up a fake name that's cooler than your normal one. We're gonna go with Pabst, like the beer, Jackson, like the Samuel L. Use any email address you want, but preferably one that reflects your worldview.

Step 2: Select your interests

You should be interested in everything. Healthcare? Yes. Dude standing on some rocks? Hell yes. Women? Sign me up. Obviously check "Best Advice," with a photo of what looks like a father and son playing hockey, too.

Step 3: Fill in your skills

You have lots of skills. Put them in here. These shouldn't just be business- or job-related-- employers love applicants with outside interests and unconventional skills. You don't have to copy ours exactly, but use it as a guideline. 

Step 4: Put in your work experience

It doesn't have to be real, as long as it's impressive. That said, make sure at least one thing acts as an anchor to keep it all believable. For example, we used "Denny's waiter" to counterbalance positions at Morgan Stanley and being Tom Cruise.

Step 5: Upload a profile picture and background

You gotta use someone that employers might not recognize, but will subconsciously know and love. We chose Ol' Abe Lincoln, who was a good president. In the background, we put some kind of leaves that we found when we googled "nature." Pick an industry while you're at it-- we put Import and Export, because it's incredibly vague.

Step 6: Make a connection

You only really need one connection. We chose Dean Furda, for obvious reasons. 

Step 7: Just start posting!

Post a couple of updates and photos to show all the headhunters that you're active on the Link'. Voila! You now have an incredibly strong LinkedIn profile. Just wait for the offers to come rolling in!