Medical Marijuana in Pennsylvania: A Dramatic Scene

It’s 4/20! Let the bells ring! Conveniently for all you potheads, Pennsylvania has just signed medical marijuana into law! Now, everyone and their cool, older sister will be clamoring to doctors to get one of those sweet MM cards. However, some patients might just be looking for the traditional route: 

In the American Healthcare system, the people are represented by two separate, but equally important groups. The patients who wish to score some medical marijuana and the Doctors who prescribe it. These are their stories.

DUN DUN

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY

A hypothetical patient walks into the office to see a hypothetical doctor.

Hypothetical Doctor: Hello Hypothetical Patient, what seems to be the problem?

Hypothetical Patient: Well, I’ve been in a lot of pain these last few days.

HD: (raising an eyebrow) Is that so? What are your symptoms?

HP: Well I’ve been having some pretty severe abdominal pain, migraines, and just explosive diarrhea.

HD: I see. How explosive, exactly, is the diarrhea?

HP: Well it’s like back in middle school when you would take an empty water bottle, twist it around itself and unscrew it, sending the bottle cap flying across the room at the substitute teacher. Like that but with shit.

HD: Ah.

HP: Yeah, I was just wondering if you could prescribe something to help me out?

There is a moment of silence.

HD: (smugly) Did you have anything specific in mind?

HP: Excuse me?

HD: You know, any new meds on the market that you were trying to procure?

HP: I’m sorry I just don’t understand.

HD: Oh I think you do. I’ll prescribe you some, don’t worry.

HP: Oh great? Some what?

HD: You know, that dank-ass ganja.

HP: What?

HD: That’s why you came in here right? To score some of that sticky green? 

HP: What? Like marijuana?

HD: Yes, marijuana. Weed, pot, icky, nuggets, dabs, African broccoli, Amsterdam’s finest, loud, reefer, skunk, mary jane, trees, wacky tobaccy! Am I making sense? These are all medical terms.

HP: Yeah, you’re making sense but I just wanted some pills or like something to stop the incessant shitting…

HD: (handing him a donor card) Here you go. Just take this to a dispensary or wherever and they’ll hook you up. If you have any questions or are having trouble rolling joints, just give me a call.

HP: Hypothetical Doctor, I just want some regular medicine!

HD: Listen, I didn’t go to online medical school for nothing. Trust me. Here.

Hypothetical Doctor reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a joint.

HD: Don’t eat or drink anything for like 10 to 15 minutes after you take this. It’ll make everything taste way better.

HP:….Hypothetical Doctor?

HD: Yes, Hypothetical Patient?

HP: Do you sell weed?

HD: Yes.

FIN