UTB's Guide to Goodbyes

There’s nothing worse than having a heartfelt goodbye with someone after your last final only to see them wheeling their stuff out of the Quad with their Mom three hours later. Do you say goodbye again? Do you just wave? Do they want you to meet their Mom? Are you that level of friends?

Sometimes there’s no good way to say, “Have a nice life,” but we’ve broken it down according to who you’re saying goodbye to to eliminate some awkwardness.

If you’re saying goodbye to:

A freshman: If you’re an underclassman too, you guys have plenty of time to grow to hate each other and then grow to love each other all over again. A quick side hug will do. 

A sophomore going abroad in the Fall: Tell them to have “the best time ever!” and then promptly delete them on Snapchat for your own sanity.

A junior going into banking this summer: “I’m here for you.”

A senior: “Oh my god you CANNOT graduate. I won’t allow it. You seriously can’t. I’ll miss you so so much,” before promptly forgetting about them until they text you asking to sleep on your couch for Homecoming.

Someone you'll never see again: "We'll see each other again! Never say never!" because you have a final in an hour and you can't deal with an existential crisis about the impermanence of all phenomena right now.

The mouse that lives under your bed: It’s been a long year of warfare and if the mouse has survived the 7 traps you set while you stayed awake every night, he won. It’s over. You might as well leave him some cheese as a parting gesture.  

A professor you loved: Write them a handwritten note. This is serious! Cool professors are cool.

A professor you hated: Walk out wordlessly from your final and let Penn Course Review know that they mooned the class every lecture (unless they have tenure, probs a waste of your time).

Someone named Stephen: “Bye, Stephen. Have a nice summer.”

That guy/gal you’ve hooked up a few times but now it’s weird because the year is ending and you’ll lose all momentum: Don't say goodbye because it’s not like a thing but definitely proceed to drunk text them once every 3.5 weeks to keep the love alive. 

Penn: Seniors are saying goodbye to this whole crazy, weird, wonderful University. Goodbye to our favorite food trucks. Goodbye to a highly engaged squirrel population. Goodbye to our friends who became our family and our friends who we still hang with because it would honestly be awkward not to at this point. The only rational way to make sure you cover all your bases is to post a Facebook post long enough to require a “Read More” button with an accompanying Instagram of the LOVE statue. It is literally the only way.