Race to the UA 2K16: People Making Promises They Can't Deliver

Unless you live under a rock, you're probably aware that this week a bunch of freshmen battled it out to see who could make it most obvious that they did student government in high school (Ed Note: Oh, you do live under a rock? Well sorry for disturbing you, go back to your hovel you little, beautiful, troll). As Penn's resident SWUGs, we're back once more to shamelessly judge these candidates posters. Elections may have ended at 5 PM yesterday, but that certainly won't stop us from having an opinion. 

Rahul Chopra

• Making a promise for something that already exists -600
• When in doubt, use cute dogs +50
• One of the dogs kinda looks like a hairless cat -50
• Inconveniently using two posters instead of one -10

Total: -610

Jen Chen

• Awkward senior portrait pose -200
• Uses the Quad for aesthetic +100
• Doesn’t make any promises she can’t keep +800
• But no outline of policies whatsoever -400

Total: 300

Philip Chen

• Willing to fight for us +100
• Don’t think he’d actually win in a fight -450
• Possibly Australian? +45
• Can’t afford color printing -300
• Might actually be making a sexual innuendo #TheThunderFromDownUnder -1,000

Total: -1,555

Brian Goldstein 

• Papyrus font -7,000,000
• Clearly proficient in word art +2
• Knows what a pun is +5
• Experienced, but still thinks he’ll have the power to change dining hall hours -100 
• Realizes that the most important thing he'll accomplish if elected to UA is the creation of maps outlining the fastest routes to classes +15

Total: -7,000,078

Andy Shao

• Way too sexual to be ok -200
• Willing to use a plastic sculpture as a hot tub -900
• Looks stoned on an official poster running for academic position +1,000
• If we're being pedantic, he's technically on the button (not in it with us) - 50

Total: 50

Karim El Sewedy

• Certified Professional, Epic House Part Host, which we'll guess just means he has an aux cord and booze +115
• That hand is awkward, but tbh we probably wouldn't have noticed it if you hadn't pointed it out -200
• In reply to his second "Differentiator": Don't bash it 'til you've tried it -300
• Clearly has weird, eyebrow fetish +444
• Confused because his eyebrows look pretty normal -150

Total: -91

Dillon Bogart of the Rooster Party

• Half of his party dropped out and we won't say it wasn't our fault -infinity
• We guess we can say getting freshmen candidates to drop out of UA races is our forte +infinity
• Knows Penn's colors +3

Total: 3

Will Kwok

• Butt-ass naked on Locust +5,000,000
• Left his socks on -10,000,000

Total: -5,000,000

Blanco (?)

• No full name, no platform, no picture, no voting website +500
• Who tf is Blanco? -700

Total: -200

Well, there you have it. If you (like us) forgot to vote in time, don't worry. You can still vote in the US Presidential Race. Let's be real, it's the one that actually matters.