On The Issues (Class Board Election Edition): Water Fountain Platforms

Every night, I am haunted by the same nightmare. I'm walking along Locust on my way to DRL when I suddenly clutch my throat, gripped with a parchedness like no man before me has experienced. I fall to my knees on the compass and crawl my way to Ben on the Bench. I grab Ben's leg and look into his knowing eyes, begging for refreshment. I waste away on the red bricks. If only there were more water fountains on campus. I can only imagine that most of my fellow Quakers have experienced the same nightmare scene.

No?

Well that's because no one is kept up at night by some strange perceived lack of water fountains on campus. However, candidates running for the Class Board of 2020 seem to identify this as a key issue to address during their time in office. It's time to stop.

Setting aside the fact that this platform aims to solve a problem that doesn't exist, the undertaking from a logistical standpoint is massive. One cannot just simply place a water fountain anywhere one damn well pleases. It's not as simple as grabbing a jackhammer and taking to Locust Walk in search of a water main (although that would make a great UTB post). There's some degree of planning involved for anything more than standing outside of Claudia Cohen with a hose and a sign that reads "Class Board at work" (and even then, you'd have to find a faucet).

So to the candidates, I urge you, please focus on the issues that really matter: controlling the on-campus squirrel population, building more bridges over 38th street, and making Commons the hottest BYO spot on campus.