51 Ways To Make An Impression As A Freshman
September 19, 2016 at 1:18 pm
Tired of being overlooked or ignored because you're a freshman, or just because you're boring? Here's a few easy ways to change that, and get the attention that you deserve (and crave)! You'll thank us later.
Show up to THEOS rush uninvited, ask if you can use their restroom
Film every lecture on your iPad
Answer every question in recitation, especially if you don't know the answer
Post in the Class of 2020 Facebook page announcing that you eat ass
Go to Wild Wednesdays
Wear all black and pretend you're French, even though you're French Canadian
Find a way to bring up your SAT scores every time you meet somebody
ACT scores work too if the SAT was just so not your thing
Poop in a Gregory laundry machine
Talk endlessly about how much you loved the pre-orientation program you attended, and hated
Walk around your dorm naked until administration is forced to write a hall wide email begging you to stop
Forget your maid didn’t come to college with you, lose half your wardrobe to mildew
Suck Bill Clinton’s dick
Suck your own dick
End poverty
Dress like Soulja Boy in 2008
Be a racist asshole to the point that people just know you as "The Racist Asshole"
Do drugs
Rush Oz
Remark that in the Canadian smartphone market, Blackberry has 8.9% market share
Announce loudly in all your classes that you can’t read an analog clock
Wear a Ben Franklin costume to your ECON 001 recitation
Become a meme
Do a kick-flip
Get drunk and end up in Brooklyn
Apply deodorant during class and offer it to your classmates
Find Hillary’s emails
Know what Aleppo is
Recycle
Remind everyone that Dick Cheney straight-up just shot a guy
Go to Brunch
Listen to Wu-Tang and make sure everyone knows
Bring an expensive car to school and never drive it, but keep the keys on your keychain at all times
Write for The Statesman
Stand on the compass and yell for the Warriors to come out and play
Build a hammock out of Penn lanyards in your room and go to the hospital after you find out that it can't support your weight the hard way
Join an a capella group that specializes in cultural appropriation
Make references to the little-known Barbary Wars between the US and North African pirate states
Gentrify West Philadelphia
Go to Hillel and share your hot take on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with the kitchen staff
Seize the means of production
Overthrow the bourgeoisie
Update Adobe Reader
Bring a pet bird to school and spend all your time chasing it through the halls of New College House
End every night at the Rhythm Room
Try to use your dining dollars at Boston Market
High key participate in OCR
Transfer