Here's What You Have To Atone For This Yom Kippur

Jewish holidays are like natural disasters, in that no one really understands how they work or why they exist but we all want to skip school because of them. Unfortunately we don't have school off for Yom Kippur, but that doesn't mean it's not an important day. Even secular Jews like myself are aware of this holiday's existence, and of its weight.

Yom Kippur is a day of atonement-- Wikipedia says that "Yom" means day in Hebrew and "Kippur" comes from a root that means to atone, which proves that first point. It's supposed to be a day of atonement for transgressions between God and yourself, but you might as well atone for all your transgressions while you're at it, right? As such, here are some of the things you should probably atone for this year.

• A guy in front of you in lecture sneezed and you wanted to say "bless you" but you didn't know him and didn't want to make a scene, so you just punched him in the back of the head and slouched down in your seat.
• You're still an undecided voter.
• You brought numerous organic, high-quality ingredients to the soup kitchen and made a hearty chicken lentil soup, then packaged it in a number of tupperware containers and brought it home to eat throughout the week, fundamentally misinterpreting the point of a soup kitchen.
• After eating half of a summer sausage (wrong season, idiot), you tried to throw the remainder into a trash can in the Van Pelt basement, but missed slightly. You did not pick up the sausage, instead choosing to scurry away from the scene of the crime.
• Someone on Locust got really close to you and said "iPads are great, huh?" and you quickly agreed: "Yeah, I love mine." You do not own an iPad.
• You're still joking about Harambe, even though it's October now.
• A small, middle-aged Belgian woman asked you to take a picture of her and her husband in front of the LOVE sculpture and you said "I will dance on your grave, witch."
• You went to Wild Wednesday last week.
• At Spirit Halloween, you specifically asked an employee where they kept the most culturally insensitive costumes, and bought every single one.
• You called Young Thug "trash," forgetting that he's our generation's David Bowie.

There's only one way to atone for any additional sins you've committed: send them all, neatly formatted, to tips@underthebutton.com. Have an easy fast!