Hot Take of the Week: Cornell is the Best Ivy

UTB’s thoroughly researched, long-awaited Ivy rankings have concluded that Cornell University is the best school in the Ivy League. The scale used to determine the rankings rewarded schools that have the fewest restaurants per square mile, tallest residential buildings (bonus if the elevators are under construction!), and most niche academic programs.

The cultural treasure troves of Philadelphia, Hanover, and New Haven simply can’t compare to Cornell’s home of the busy, energetic, and “gorge-ous” Ithaca, NY.  The city's green grass, tall trees, big buildings, and expansive parking lots remain unmatched-- literally anywhere in the world. With bridges less steep than Penn’s 38^th and Locust, Cornell’s students are reported to be less winded, but also slightly less toned than we are. UTB considers this to be a pretty good deal.

Cornell’s affordable cost of attendance was also taken into consideration during our evaluation. Cornell’s frugal price tag of tuition and fees is a mere $67,613, while Penn’s is an earth-shattering $69,340. That’s 1,727 Wawa cups of coffee, or a Penn student's average intake per semester, saved! And speaking of caffeine-induced all-nighters, at Cornell, you get the grades you deserve, no more or no less. What a comforting way to receive constant criticism of your achievements-- with only moderate emotional distress included! Compare this to the behavior at scummy Harvard, where the students' happiness is easily attained through grade inflation. Talk about snowflakes!

It is important to note that no other member of the Ivy League is home to an agricultural school-- a serious flaw not present at Cornell. And you know what they say: it’s better to manage the Inn at Penn than to have to visit your parents who are paying too much to stay there.