Girl Scouts to Set Up Shop Outside Bio Pond

It’s common knowledge that Penn is well known partially for the excellence of our business school, famous for its esteemed faculty and more recently, according to the New Yorker, as the school where President Trump did a “stint.” But Wharton students are basically amateurs in comparison to the real business gurus of the world: dominant in the dessert industry and the movement for American obesity, Girl Scouts have got us all exactly where they want us.

But they know where we want them, too. Strategically, there is no better place to find hungry, vulnerable, confused college students—the optimal target for GS cookies— than the bio pond. The next time you happen to be hanging out at the bio pond, don't worry about bringing a granola bar or three clementines. Smoke Girl Scout Cookies, then eat Girl Scout Cookies. 

The Girl Scouts are expected to set up shop in Q2 of 2017, in time for warmer weather. Sources from Girl Scouts of the USA report that Girl Scouts will be stationed, with chaperones, outside the bio pond late into the night to engage with the greatest number of potential customers. 

These girls are willing to stay up late selling Samoas because the stakes are high. Those of us who once wore the vest know that selling cookies means blood-thirsty competition, fake crying to potential customers, and back-stabbing your troop-mates. The reality of the business is that for these girls, it’s not about the money - it’s about the prizes.

If a girl scout sells just 250 boxes, she can win an Olita Plush/Pillow with a 100 year emblem (prizes pictured below). For 650 boxes, she’ll get a S’More Adventure Camp Chair w/ Cup Holder. And if she sells 2,000 boxes, she’ll win a limo ride and lunch with the literal CEO of Girl Scouts, Lise Luttgens. Do the right thing, not that you'll be able to resist anyway. You'll have the munchies.