Top 5 Leaf Blowers for Drowning Out Hate-Filled Protests

You're walking down Locust when suddenly you're accosted by some "Christian" maniac who's screaming some garbage targeted at gays, jews, muslims-- you get the picture. He yells angrily about how you like to drink, get high, have sex, and watch porn. Is he wrong about this? Probably not, but he's still a POS.

What are you to do? Counter-protest? Maybe, but you might just be adding fuel the fire. Instead, we suggest you take the official, unofficial route of Penn's administration and drown them out with some leaf blowers. Sounds simple enough, but with such a saturated market for leaf blowers it can be hard to choose the right one. Don't worry, UTB has your back: after testing virtually every leaf blower on the market, we will now reveal the top five leaf blowers you can use to drown out hateful pricks.

1. JS1150 150 MPH 1000 CFM 208cc Walk-Behind Gas Leaf Blower - Cub Cadet: This sick piece of machinery can generate winds up to 150mph. It also has the highest noise rating that we could find - 100dB. That's approximately equivalent to a jet fly-over at 1000 feet. That's pretty loud, certainly loud enough to drown out some homophobe with a bullhorn. Retail price: $399.00
2. 170 MPH 2150 CFM 205cc Gas Walk-Behind Blower - Force: This bougie leaf blower sells (or doesn't) for a steep $725.00. What do you get for your money? Um, just winds up to 170mph and a noise rating of 82dB! That and it's red, effectively making it the Ferrari of leaf blowers. Retail price: $725.00
3. 150 MPH 460 CFM 25.4cc 2-Cycle Handheld Gas Leaf Blower Vacuum - Toro: The first handheld blower of the bunch, this puppy packs a walloping 77.1dB noise rating and a mulch ratio of 10! We know what you're thinking, is it CARB compliant? Of course it is! If it wasn't, we'd never think of recommending it. Retail price: $149.99
4. 233 MPH 651 CFM 63.3cc Gas Backpack Leaf Blower with Tube Throttle - ECHO: This machine spits in the face of God with its glory, serving as both a backpack and a leaf blower. You could look like a Ghostbuster (circa 1984, not 2016, c'mon now) as you unleash the fury of a thousand suns with winds up to 233mph and 74dB of delicious volume. Retail price: $449.99
5. 160 MPH 520 CFM 25cc Gas Jet Fan Blower - Ryobi: This wicked bastard boasts the same noise rating as the ECHO for a much more affordable price. Plus, it's bright green and has some nice girth to it. It also includes a variable wind speed trigger with cruise control. Freakin' cruise control. That means you can just sit back and chill as you attempt to stop out hate on campus. Retail price: $129.00 (steal!)

We hope that with these accessories, which you can find at your neighborhood Home Depot, you can put an end to (or at least muffle) those absolute assholes who like to shout in front of College Hall. Or maybe you can clean up your yard for once, Danica. God speed.