8 Foolproof Ways Penn Men’s Basketball Can Win March Madness

You know what would be pretty exciting for the 12 Penn students who care about sports? If we won the NCAA tournament. March Madness is in a few weeks, and we've figured out 8 ways we can totally do it.

1. Enlist the Russians to hack the NCAA so that we can win. We’re not Donald Trump’s alma mater for nothing.
2. Like the football team, tie with another team to win the Ivy League Championship. Your chances of getting into the NCAA tournament are exponentially higher.
3. Maybe if Penn students could show up to basketball games that would help?
4. Construct a simulation in which we are better at basketball.
5. Sneak three barrels of pollen into the locker rooms of every college basketball team in the nation. Then, every other team will have to drop out of the tournament due to severe allergies. You can’t lose if there is no one else competing! Pollen is natural so you can't get in trouble.
6. First, win against Dartmouth and Harvard to get a spot in the Ivy League Tournament. Then beat out Princeton, Harvard, and Yale to get a spot in the NCAA tournament. Then beat 6 more teams to win the Championship e.g. Baylor, then SMU, then Louisville, then Virginia, then Kansas, and then UNC.
7. Hire Sam Hinkie as our GM and proceed to tank for four straight years. Maybe get some good draft picks. That’s how it works, right?
8. The entire men’s basketball team hops on over to the Main Line and plays for Villanova.