Does Penn Hate America?

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you may have noticed that there were/are a lot of visitors at Penn this weekend. No, it’s not just Global Warming enthusiasts who came to enjoy the warm weather - it’s because most schools in America have today, and for some even tomorrow off of school. That’s because today is President’s Day. But why doesn’t Penn have off?

UTB writers are not ones to lay low and let such injustice fly, so we did a little research and came up with a few possibilities.

Option 1: President’s Day is celebrated a little differently in each state. Some use it to commemorate the life of George Washington, whose birthday is on February 22nd. Some states include Abraham Lincoln in the celebration, as his birthday is on February 12th, while others prefer to celebrate all of our nation’s presidents. But the one consistent trend on President’s Day is that no one commemorates President Amy Gutmann. Consequently, out of rage and despair, Amy cancelled the cancellation of Penn’s classes.

Option 2: Despite the wild success and popularity Amy Gutmann received from our coverage of her speech decrying Trump’s immigration executive order, she may have been pushed back toward the administration’s usual way of handling similar issues - silence and seven new task forces. So, ignoring President’s Day might be Amy’s subtle way of continuing to denounce the Trump administration. We appreciate that, Amy, but we’d prefer a day off and another fire speech.

Option 3: Amy Gutmann hates America. The evidence is pretty damning - first of all, she didn’t cancel classes for President’s Day. Second of all, there’s probably other evidence too. 

We chose the third option because it’s foolproof, simple, and will fit on a t-shirt (dm us for details).