Early Decision Student Attends ConnectED, Immediately Regrets Choosing Penn

Chase McIntyre's (C'21) stomach churned last Friday during the ConnectED event. Just two short months ago, McIntyre was accepted via Early Decision, legally binding him to attend Penn. The ConnectED program was meant to introduce McIntyre both to Penn and to his new classmates, further exciting him for the fall. 

"I went to Irvine Auditorium and met some of my new classmates. That's when I realized, 'oh shit, I've made a huge mistake,'" said McIntyre. The incoming freshman reportedly had an epiphany regarding his future, and Penn wasn't a part of it. "I had worked so hard for so long to get into this school. Now, I get here and I realize that It's precisely where I don't want to be," he lamented.

After Irvine, McIntyre decided to try out Commons for his first lunch at his new school. That's when the existential dread set in. As he stared blankly at the obscene, repulsive slice of pizza that laid before him, he began to contemplate the nature of his very existence. "For what have I been toiling, all these years?" he asked. "To come to this place? To subject myself to years of high stress, no sleep, and endless conversations with my hall mate about his 'startup' that'll never scale to a viable business venture?" 

He then lit a cigarette and, rather than smoking it, allowed it burn in his hand for effect. He continued, this time in French (translated here in English), "And what after Penn? Do I get a job that I hate so I can buy things that I don't need, only to die in the end anyway? What is the meaning of it? What is my purpose?" McIntyre's friends say he didn't speak French before this point, but became fluent as soon as he felt an unshakeable sense of dread.

McIntyre explained to UTB that the absurdity of existence is the first lesson that he has learned at Penn. He has decided that the only viable course of action is to accept this absurdity and attempt to derive some personal meaning and value through the construction of art.

UPDATE

McIntyre has moved to Old City to start his own line of organic hot sauce. He plans to go public in the next year or so.