18 Things More Likely To Kill You On Campus Than Refugees

1. A raised brick on Locust

2. Eggplant with garlic sauce from Le Anh

3. Harsh winds moving East, swirling through the high rise tunnel, strike and collapse the Tampons, causing them to fall onto you. You lie below them, crushed and desperate, but nobody sees you or cares, and you suffer a long, painful death

4. A Facebook status thinkpiece

5. Any white male in your recitation

6. A heart attack from hearing "Closer" by the Chainsmokers at a party 

7. Anyone on a scooter

8. Abnormally large fan in Campus Furniture Home Store creates a vortex and sucks you in until you die

9. Toxic antibodies in your Chem lab

10. You're a CompSci major and your senior design project is on network and security breaching. The Russian government suspects you may be part of an undercover mission to undermine the Kremlin, and you are assassinated by agents of the KGB

11. A paper cut

12. Chlamydia

13. Hearing someone say they "met their best friend at Penn" while giving a campus tour

14. Accidentally getting locked in VP after hours. You were pooping with headphones in on the 5th floor when security was clearing everyone out, and suddenly you find yourself alone in the Rare Books room for the next 12 hours, deprived of food, water, and outside communication

15. Too much Chipotle

16. Crossing the street to Engineering without looking

17. Lack of available doctor’s appointments at SHS

18. Rodin elevator speeds up unexpectedly and breaks through the ceiling Willy-Wonka-And-The-Chocolate-Factory-style (the original 1971 Paramount pictures release with Gene Wilder, not the 2005 remake, that one sucks)