Things to Say About the Oscars to Make it Look Like You're Cultured

Much like everyone else this year, you've only seen one of the nine Best Picture nominees, and it was probably La La Land. As the Academy Awards unfold, here are some things that you can say very loudly so that the people around you think that you know literally something about film.

1. I thought La La Land was good, but not great. I'm sure it'll win anyway.
2. I LOVED Moonlight! It was truly moving, dynamic, and so necessary.
3. Manchester by the Sea made me cry. These days, I'm thinking that Casey might be the better Affleck.
4. Yes, I read about the sexual harassment accusations made regarding Casey Affleck. I actually meant to say "the worse Affleck."
5. As a white Northeastern liberal, I was worried about Trump, but I'm so glad that the Oscars are much more inclusive this year. I think we're moving forward as a nation.
6. Damien Chazelle is a visionary. I loved Whiplash, there was so much jazz! And to follow up with La La Land is incredible! Also so much jazz! I listen to jazz!
7. Hacksaw Ridge was incredible. So incredible that, for a moment, I forgot that it was directed by a racist, sexist, homophobic anti-semite! 
8. Viola Davis was fantastic in Fences! She won the Tony for the same role she's nominated for tonight! I knew that without doing frantic research three minutes ago!
9. (Without reading from your computer) I love how La La Land pays tribute to the great musical films of the 1930s like those by Busby Berkeley and Fred Astaire!
10. It's great that Ryan Gosling is becoming such a multi-talented artist! What a great singer! Talk about a triple threat.
11. Casey Affleck's beard doesn't bother me at all. I am completely comfortable with it. It is not the worst thing to walk the red carpet since Mel Gibson (and his beard).