University To Allow Families Of Mice To Take Part In Housing Selection For 2017-2018

In an effort to boost inclusivity and general campus welfare, Penn Residential Services has decided to allow families of mice to participate in the on-campus housing selection process for 2017-2018. The decision came after some rodent families expressed dissatisfaction with the lack of options offered by the University, in terms of both physical space and roommates.

“The mice claimed that their interests were being overlooked, leaving them with undesirable locations and rude, misbehaved, or generally offensive roommates,” said Residential Services spokesperson Stuart Peromyscus. “They’re being relegated to walls and beneath furniture, like small pests. Some freshmen have requested that we exterminate their roommates. Disgusting! What happened to communication?”

Many students live with rodent families - a decision they themselves did not make. Common complaints include mice stealing food, making noise at night, and never taking out the trash. However, Residential Services is looking to facilitate the room selection process in a manner they claim will increase the comfort of both mouse and human parties. “People like mice,” Peromyscus says. “They’re cute.”

The new process will allow mice families to choose housing just like students. No comment was received on the official academic status of mice, but UTB hypothesizes legacy plays a large role in their acceptance. Mice can request to live with human residents or another family of mice, which would constitute the first-ever 100% mouse-occupied on-campus dorm room (percentages have never reached greater than 90 before).

Despite expecting negative initial feedback from human students, Peromyscus is optimistic. “We cannot call ourselves an open campus while maintaining our discriminatory housing policies. We’re moving forward. Also, are you going to eat that cheese over there or can I?”