UTB Reviews: Penn Student Government’s State of the School

There are lots of things happening at Penn. Some of those things were probably covered at the “State of the School” event, although no one at UTB would know because we did not attend. Nonetheless, because we are a professional publication, we will review it and present a 100% accurate recap of what happened.

The organizers of the event made sure to begin by summarizing all of the latest fraternity and sorority gossip, to make up for the death of the Round Up (please see UTB’s replacement). All heinous and depraved acts from the week were discussed in depth. From these stories, it seemed apparent that the state of the school was, in a word, not great. Fortunately, things went uphill from there.

For the first presentation, the UA president spoke about how Joe Biden would soon be a professor at Penn. When reminded of the news, all in attendance proceeded to squeal and urinate in unison. Sources say Joe Biden himself may have been in attendance and participated in the squealing and urinating, though these sources were birds (and birds are not to be trusted).

Another presentation concerned the state of media on campus. The speaker commended Under the Button dot com as the "most professional, trust-worthy, and lit publication on campus," a statement which elicited a three hour standing ovation from the audience. Next came a period of mocking inferior publications, such as the Daily Pennsylvanian and the South Florida Sun Sentinel. (Disclaimer: Under the Button is a subsidiary of the South Florida Sun Sentinel.)

The heads of student government then took questions from the floor. Though they expected informed and pressing questions about topics such as mental health and course costs, students only wanted to know about Joe Biden. Upon hearing his name again in the first question, the audience could not resist squealing and urinating for a second time, much to the chagrin of those who had just cleaned themselves up. A few questions strayed from Biden, like one student who demanded an explanation as to why there was mayonnaise on his chicken sandwich when he had explicitly asked for none. Sources say the student left the room as soon as he was made aware that he was not at McDonald’s. Another student shouted that the state of the school was Pennsylvania, a joke which received primarily negative reactions. 

Overall, the event was kind of boring and poorly attended, because everyone who seeks information about the happenings on and off campus simply navigates to Under the Button dot com.