Epic Fail: These Dumbass Trees Bloomed Too Early, and Paid the Price

Those who have experience with coming too early can probably sympathize with some of the trees around campus right now. After a stretch of warm weather during the month of February, various trees got tricked into blooming before the winter was over. Like the people who packed away their sweaters and pulled out their shorts, local trees thought they were clear of the cold weather. You'd almost think trees have no way of accessing weather forecasts. Like, it's 2017, just check your phone. 

Now, due to a blizzard described by the UTB meteorologist as “one hell of a storm", all the flowers that bloomed on local trees before the storm are now dead. Talk about a big mistake!

“Haha, idiot!” is what you’re probably thinking. How did these trees even get into Penn? There is no evidence that the trees in question graduated high school, and they did not sit for the SAT. Their parents must have bought a building, or perhaps even a street like Spruce, Chestnut, Walnut, Locust... hmm. In any case, the trees have paid dearly for their premature blossoms.

We contacted Amy Gutmann for comment on the misfortune of the trees, and she told us that we were “fake news” and should “leave her alone,” which was probably code for “you’re doing a great job as the head investigative journalism organization on campus and I'm giving you all free printing.” Thanks, Amy!