BREAKING NEWS: Fling Headliner REVEALED

Coming just a few days after President Gutmann’s announcement that Joe Biden would be returning to campus for another “engaging conversation” on March 30th, a soiled and spraypainted bedsheet hung from the roof at a darty today has revealed that the former Vice President and future Penn professor will also be headlining Spring Fling in April.

Although not much is known about Biden’s plans for the concert, the source told us that we can expect to see his “cool grandpa charisma” shine through in his musical performance. It is likely that he will perform numerous covers of classic rock songs like Neil Young’s “Rockin’ in the Free World,” Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.,” and Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird." The source also noted that it would be “enormously surprising” if he did not work in at least one “totally devastating harmonica solo”.

Aside from his song choices, there has been some speculation that his concert will include some element of original performance art, possibly in the form of a minutes-long, live audio/visual “experience” in which he slowly consumes an ice cream cone in front of a microphone while recounting his glory days in the White House with former President/current best friend Barack Obama. It is doubtful that Biden will remove his signature Ray Ban sunglasses at any point during the event, despite the fact that it will take place outdoors at Penn Park late in the evening.