Penn Accidentally Sends Acceptances to Every 17- and 18-Year-Old Member of The Top 1%, Will Not Rescind Any

It's happened at Carnegie Mellon, MIT, UC San Diego, recently at fellow Ivy Columbia, and now, unfortunately, at Penn. This week, Penn Admissions committed the painfully common mistake of sending out acceptances to those not actually accepted, accidentally emailing the news to every high-school senior in the country whose family possesses a degree of wealth in the top one-percent of all U.S. households. Affluent teens from all over the country were ecstatic when they opened their golden MacBooks to see an email titled “Hurrah!" informing them of their acceptance.

“I jumped for joy,” said newly-accepted student James Schmidt, W'21, whose father heads a law firm in New York City. “I didn’t expect to get in. I didn’t even apply. But that just shows what hard work can do.”

Penn Admissions claims that the acceptances were a system malfunction, but are “unsure” why this specific group was targeted. “It was a completely honest mistake,” said Dean of Admissions and Under the Button fan Eric Furda. “We don’t know why those students received these emails. Maybe the Russians hacked us? Don't investigate that.”

It remains unclear whether the mistake was a total error or simply a premature mailing, as regular decision acceptances are scheduled to be sent April 1. While most of the acceptances were accidents, Admissions states that their current plan is to admit all "accepted" students nonetheless, citing the alternative as cruel and contrary to the University’s mission.

“It just so happened these were exactly the kind of students we’re looking for,” an Admissions spokesperson said of the accepted group. “Money wasn’t a factor at all,” they assured us, sweating.

The class of 2021 now contains roughly 42,000 students, double the current student population. However, most will live and eat separately in Penn’s new “City-State for the Financially Advanced,” coming to West Philadelphia next year. When asked why Penn Admissions had a list of members of the one-percent anyway, the spokesperson replied, “What? I can’t hear you over the size of Penn’s endowment.”