Wharton Finance Club’s Formal Was Actually Goldman’s First Round Interview

It’s always formal szn in Philadelphia. The Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club (WUFC) tossed their spreadsheets and study drugs aside and rescheduled last minute coffee chats for their formal last weekend. They even hired an avant-garde photographer who must have somehow positioned laser beams throughout the club to add these super cutting edge light streaks to their photos on Facebook. Wild!

But, contrary to popular belief, the WUFC formal was booby-trapped with much more than those super awesome lights. In fact, their lord and savior Goldman Sachs packed the venue with hidden cameras and their few remaining youthful looking analysts to spy on the investment banking prodigies. WUFC members thought this was just an opportunity for a fire insta to post during peak hours on Sunday night. False. It was the first round interview for Summer 2018 internships.

Goldman employees were ecstatic to get out of the office between 9:00 pm and 3:00 am, something that had not happened since Election Night. They were told to engage in conversation as casually as possible, with light and relatable topics including pesky finger cramps from modeling, that funny feeling of caffeine pills aggressively entering your bloodstream and the worry of finding love when social lives don’t exist.

An analyst who chooses to remain anonymous told UTB, “Yeah, I mean their ability to copy and paste numbers into spreadsheet cells will come later during the technicals. During this first round, we really just want to find the perfect balance of intense substance consumption and stellar networking skills. If you can’t talk about how your summer of mastering the basic functions of a Keurig machine shaped you into the person you are today and the rob... I mean... person you could become at Goldman while triple fisting gin and tonics, we don’t want you.” UTB asked if the analyst needed any water, as he seemed a bit jittery for a Friday morning, but he resisted and jogged to the nearest restroom.

Attendees of the WUFC formal will be hearing by the end of this week via email if they will be advancing to the next round.